Trans Thriving

Urban dictionary defines thriving as:
“When you do a number 1 out of your number 2 hole.”

No wait… I copy and pasted the definition of “Thricing”.

I have been told that I have a screw loose, but I am not too worried about it. I have a hypothesis that most people if not all people inherently think trans women are a “bit off” if not completely crazy. Neither am I immune from this judgement or special and I don’t even blame them for this prejudice. Sometimes I share it. I mean, who would “volunteer” to be a woman? Who would “choose” to be the lesser of two sexes? Who in their right mind would “opt in” for less pay and to have their ideas regurgitated as someone else’s?

I did. And sometimes I resent myself for making this sensible and imperative adjustment in my life to create harmony between my internal and external world. When I am thriving, my harmony of self shines in the face of mine and other’s bigotry.

Anyways, over time I realized that most people are bonkers, but they get a pass because their type of absurdity aligns more closely with current social norms. They repeatedly follow familial or personal patterns that lead them down depressing, empty, cliche roads so well worn in their communities that could be predicted and then express surprise when there is a negative outcome. I don’t think sanity necessarily factors into someone’s thriving equation. There is math to calculate thriving, at least the outward thriving equation people use to justify staying in a job or with a partner that agitates their wellbeing. There aren’t hard lines when it comes to someone’s sense of self excellence. I think a lot of us, trans, cis, straights, gays, etc, will have similar tangible items in their thriving checklist, a good job and good pay, loving community, and so on. From my limited research, many of us trans folks have similar things on our “am I thriving” checklist.

Much of my life was spent in denial that what I was receiving was what I actually wanted and because it was tied to stereotypical success, money, relationships, things, I thought I should be grateful.

I wasn’t.

Real gratitude hadn’t come into my life till after I transitioned. Before transitioning, when something good would happen, like a promotion, or someone I didn’t like got fired, I would feel something pleasant, but it wasn’t gratitude. It was usually some feeling similar to that little buzz from coffee or I might feel a sense of relief, “I don’t have to deal with that person again”.

When I am thriving, I am grateful for what I have. For the path I am on and for the peace and harmony I experience in my own world and community.

I started writing this piece from my chaise lounge chair in my Barcelona apartment, with the terrace door open to a lovely 62 degree night. My mind full of creative thoughts and my stomach sated. Currently, I spend my days in the sun, in community with friends and chosen family. I explore beautiful architecture with my eyes and camera. I also explore beautiful, tan bodies with every inch of my body. I eat my way through a maze of latin, asian, and mediterranean food. I find ways to make street signs look queer. I have an ear and shoulder for listening and a voice for sharing. I’m eager to be apart of my community and they are eager to have me, no matter how “screwy” I am.

I’m really grateful for what I have and for that, I am thriving and… I just so happen to be trans.